POM Skits
by PB7
Summary: Different skits featuring the POM characters. Sole purpose is to make you laugh.
1. 1-10: Skits

**Author's Note:** The following are short little short stories—or skits—that I've come up with. They're just small ideas that I've had in my head but don't know what to do with. I hope you enjoy them and I hope I succeed in making you laugh. Any title with a Roman numeral in brackets next to it has a skit note associated with it, which will be displayed at the end. I hope to do more things like this in the future.

* * *

**1)** _Cloning Crisis_ **[I]**

* * *

During a quiet morning, the penguins were in the HQ relaxing. Skipper had just brewed a cup of coffee and added his choice of fish when Julien dropped through the hatch with his subjects, Maurice and Mort.

"Hello, my smelly subjects!" he called. Though his remark annoyed Skipper, he ignored it.

"What do you want, Ringtail? We've already told you thousands of times, we're _not _giving you a sponge bath," Skipper said, suddenly losing his appetite for his fish coffee and setting his mug on the counter.

"No, silly water-bird. You see, as your king, I must always be fashionably perfect! So, I am in needing of a new crown," Julien explained.

"And what does this have to do with _us_?" Skipper asked folding his flippers over his chest.

"Isn't it obvious? I am needing the crazy one to destroy my old crown before someone finds it and tries to harness my fur cells to create clones of me! There can only be one king, which is me!" Julien answered.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Ringtail," Skipper said rolling his eyes.

"And what makes you so sure?" Julien inquired.

"Because, trust me, no one in their right mind would want to make more of _you_."

* * *

**2)** _The King of Hearts_

* * *

"So, do we have anything else to deal with, Kowalski?" Skipper asked his second in command.

Kowalski looked over his clipboard.

"Just one; we need to fix the pump on Julien's bouncy. It's been slowly deflating for a little over a day now and Alice hasn't taken notice," he informed his leader.

Skipper nodded.

"Alright. Let's get a move on, then," he ordered his team.

Upon arrival, Julien came bounding up to them.

"There you are! I've been waiting for you for forever! Are you going to fix my bouncy pump, now?"

Skipper rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Ringtail. We're here to fix your pump. Now, move aside."

Julien did so as Kowalski set to work on the pump, opening a control panel and examining the wires.

"Ah, I see the problem. Rico, hand me some wire cutters," Kowalski requested. Rico fulfilled it and Kowalski reconnected a set of broken wires. The pump came to life and started pumping air into the bouncy once again.

"Well, I guess that means we're done. It's good as new," Skipper said to Julien. Julien approached the bouncy as it regained its form.

"I will be the judge of that!" Julien said hopping atop the bouncy and performing a series of bounces. He laughed in triumph. "Yes! Being bounce-less for twenty-four hours has been leaving me bounce-depraved!" he cried.

Kowalski opened his beak to correct him, but was interrupted when Julien continued.

"Thanking you, penguins! Thanking you from the heart of my bottom!"

* * *

**3)** _Everyone Has Limits_ **[II]**

* * *

"No, you hang up first! No, you hang up first! No, you! No, _you_!"

It had been a week since Kowalski and Doris had finally become a couple, and Kowalski had helped Doris gain access to a phone on the coast. Now, the two of them were on the phone having a seemingly _endless _goodbye. They'd been going on like this for almost an hour, and it was getting on the team's last nerves.

"No, you! No, _you_!" Kowalski said over and over from the side of the HQ, leaning over the table like a lovesick teenager.

Skipper rubbed his temples.

"I don't think I can take this much longer … " he muttered to Rico, who was sitting next to him with earmuffs over his ear-holes. He didn't even realize Skipper had said anything.

"No, you! No, you hang up! No, _you _hang up first!" Kowalski continued … _still_.

Out of nowhere, Private took the phone from him and held his flipper over the receiver.

"No, _me_!" He held the phone to his beak. "Sorry, our HQ is going through a tunnel. Goodbye," he said before hanging up.

"Private! Why did you do that!?" Kowalski asked pulling the phone back and punching at the buttons.

Skipper stepped in between them and pulled the phone from Kowalski.

"Sorry, Kowalski, but you really need to get off for the night."

"Why? It's not that late!" Kowalski protested.

"Kowalski, it's almost midnight," Skipper told him.

"Oh. Sorry, Skipper. A simple 'please get off the phone' would've been enough, though," he muttered.

"Sorry, Kowalski," Private said. "I just couldn't take it anymore!"

"Really, Private? I figured you would understand, considering you're the most tender-hearted out of all of us," Kowalski inquired.

"Sorry, Kowalski. But even sensitive guys have their limits."

* * *

**4)** _Relationships _**[III]**

* * *

As usual, King Julien and Skipper were having yet another argument at the zoo meeting that was taking place at the Zoovenir Shop.

"You cannot just barge in on all and any penguin operation like that! You could've ruined everything! Not to mention that it's _completely_ classified!" Skipper was saying. Or _yelling_, rather.

"But I am king! I am entitled to do whatever I desire _whenever _I desire!" Julien argued.

"I'll show you what _I_ desire—!"

"Guys! Do you really argue like this at _every _single meeting?" Roger asked. It was the first meeting he'd attended since he'd been a resident at the zoo.

"It's not my fault that he has to stick his royal nose into everything!" Skipper protested.

"I'm sure there's something we can do to work this out, here," Roger said.

"Eh, sorry, my amphibious neighbor, but it is the smelly penguin who is not wanting to work this out!" Julien told him.

"Um, first off, I'm a reptile," Roger corrected. "Second, I think you _both _are the problem."

"Both of us? Have you been paying attention? _He's _the one being difficult!" Skipper protested.

"Can't you two just learn to get along?" Roger asked.

"No, I'm afraid Ringtail and I have a very complicated loathe-hate relationship," Skipper answered.

"Um, don't you mean _love-_hate relationship?" Roger asked, recognizing the phrase. Skipper shook his head.

"I meant what I said."

* * *

**5)** _Payback _**[IV]**

* * *

The penguins were getting ready to turn in on a late Friday night when the lemurs dropped down into the HQ.

"Hello, flightless water-birds! I am here only to be using your TV for my entertainment purposes," Julien told them.

"Well, Ringtail, go right ahead," Skipper permitted.

"Oh, come on! You have to be … Wait, did you just say _yes_?" Julien asked, not quite sure he'd heard Skipper correctly.

"Well, I don't see why not," Skipper answered glancing at the team, who were staring at him with their beaks hanging open.

"You mean to tell me, that you are going to allow me to use your television? No lecture on boundaries? No shoving us out of your penguin-y HQ?" Julien asked.

"Nope. Enjoy yourself," Skipper assured him.

The lemurs exchanged a glance and shrugged, then made their way to the television. When they were occupied, Kowalski leaned in closer to Skipper and lowered his voice.

"Are you really going to let them do this? You know they'll expect to be able to come back in the future," he said.

"Oh, I'm not worried, Kowalski. After tonight, I'm sure they won't want to come back for a _long_ time," Skipper said with a grin.

"What makes you so sure?" Kowalski asked.

"Because, the remote just _happens_ to be out of batteries and I have the television set to show _Friday the 13th_."

* * *

**6)** _Mutual Feelings_ **[V]**

* * *

While Marlene was busy relaxing in her habitat, Julien hopped in and trotted up to her.

"Hello, Marlene! How are you to be doing today?" he asked.

Marlene propped herself up by her elbows, lifting herself from her laying position.

"I'm doing alright, I guess. What are you doing here?"

"I was just seeing how you were doing. Oh, by the way, can I borrow your beach ball for a party I am having tonight?"

"Well, I'm kind of busy right now. I'll come to your habitat and let you know my decision later on," Marlene replied relaxing back down into the grass.

"But … I need to know now …" Julien said.

"So, you're saying you don't want me to bother you at your habitat later on?" Marlene asked.

"Well, now that you mention it …"

"Good. Now you know how I feel."

* * *

**7)** _Ultimate Staring Contest_

* * *

Maurice woke with a yawn and a stretch on an early Saturday morning. When he turned to wake his king, he wasn't next to him where he'd turned in for the night. However, Mort was still snoozing away on the bouncy, snuggling with his tail. Maurice nudged him.

"Mort? Mort, wake up," he called.

"No, no, Rodney … The feet are mine only …" Mort replied in his sleep. Maurice rolled his eyes.

"Mort, you're dreaming. Wake up!" he said nudging him a little harder. Mort slowly woke up and rubbed his eyes.

"What?"

"Do you know where King Julien went?" Maurice asked. Mort shook his head and Maurice sighed. "Well, let's go see what he's up to so early in the morning."

Maurice trusted his first instincts and checked his majesty's throne. Sure enough, Julien was where he'd suspected … staring intently into a mirror.

"King Julien? What are you doing up so—"

"Sh!" Julien interrupted. Maurice's expression twisted into confusion and he lowered his voice.

"What's wrong? What are you—"

"I said _sh_!" Julien repeated.

Maurice cocked his head in curiosity and jumped when Julien threw his head back with a cry frustration.

"Darn it, Maurice! You broke my concentration!" he cried, refocusing his attention on the hand mirror.

"What are you doing?" Maurice asked.

"If you must know, I am having a staring contest with myself. But it's difficult because I'm _really _good."

* * *

**8)** _Apocalypse_

* * *

While the penguins were doing their morning exercises, Julien dropped into their habitat in a panic.

"Penguins! Penguins! You must hide me immediately!" he cried.

"What did you do now, Ringtail?" Skipper asked rolling his eyes.

"What? No! I didn't do anything! Didn't you hear? It's the robot apocalypse! I am king! I cannot be turning into a mindless lump of steel!" Julien explained.

Kowalski leaned in closer to Skipper and whispered into his ear.

"Probably watched _Robots Attack 4 _again, sir," he proposed.

Skipper nodded, then turned to Julien with a devious expression.

"What made you think it'd be safe here?" he asked.

"Well, you are going to be protecting me from the robots with your penguin-y commando fight-y moves!" Julien answered.

"Well, how do you know I'm not one?" Skipper inquired, moving toward him in a jerking motion.

Julien's eyes widened and he took of running, screaming at the top of his lungs. When Skipper turned back to the team in satisfaction, they were all giving him unamused stares.

"What?" Skipper asked.

"Was that _really _necessary?" Kowalski replied.

"Well, let's see. Years of getting on my last nerves and leaving none of my buttons unpushed resulting in immature payback? Uh, yeah. I'd say it was," Skipper answered with a devious grin plastered across his face that a young boy might wear after pulling a girls' hair.

Kowalski thought for a moment.

"Yeah, good point."

* * *

**9) **_Ambush_

* * *

On a bright sunny morning, Skipper and Marlene were walking through Central Park.

"It's a lovely morning, isn't it, Skipper?" Marlene asked admiring a colorful butterfly that flew across their path.

"It's fine, I guess. But I still don't understand why you brought me out here," Skipper replied.

"Because! You need to learn how to relax a little!" Marlene replied giving him a hard stare.

"I don't have time to relax! Who knows what dangers are prowling out there right now while I'm on a nature walk!" Skipper argued.

"Skipper, I think if there were anything to worry about, you would've known by now," Marlene said rolling her eyes.

Skipper laughed.

"Marlene, you'd be surprised how many situations arise in the blink of an eye. Someone could be watching us this very moment … " Skipper said eyeing the bushes suspiciously.

"Skipper, I think we're safe right now," Marlene insisted.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about, Marlene! You don't _think_. You _feel_. And I feel like we're being watched!" Skipper shot back.

"Skipper, you're just paranoid! Can't you just enjoy what life has to offer you for once?" Marlene begged.

"Because I—"

He was interrupted when a rustling sound erupted from the bush they were passing by. He pushed Marlene behind him and poised himself for combat.

"See, Marlene? This is what I'm talking about! You never know when your enemies are about to attack! A few more seconds and you and I wouldn't be having this conversation," he explained over his shoulder. "Show yourself!" he ordered turning back to the bush.

Marlene peered over his shoulder just as something emerged from the bush and she sighed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Skipper. I didn't realize that it was inevitable that we were going to be mauled by a bunny."

* * *

**10) **_Rise and Shine_

* * *

The alarm sounded for wake-up at precisely 0600 and Skipper, Private, and Rico pulled themselves out of bed. When Skipper realized that Kowalski remained in a slumber, he nudged him.

"Kowalski, it's time to wake up!" he called.

Kowalski stirred.

"Stop it, Doris! I'm ticklish!" he said in his sleep.

Skipper rolled his eyes.

"Kowalski, it's me, Skipper. Wake up!"

"I love you, too!"

Skipper smacked his forehead, then leaned in closer to Kowalski's face.

"Kowalski, I have an electromagnetic quantum disintegrator ray with dynamism settings for you," he called. Kowalski's eyes popped open and he sat up with a start.

"Where?!" he asked eagerly.

"Welcome back to reality, Kowalski. I wonder how Doris would feel about you ditching your dream about her for a ray that doesn't exist."

* * *

**[I]** I actually had two ideas for this one. The one I decided to use, and the other was to end it with Skipper asking Julien how he knew he wasn't already a clone just to get him to go away, and Julien replying with, "It is very possible … I look exactly like myself!" But I assumed that Skipper would more likely respond with what I left it at.

**[II]** This takes place after _The Penguin Who Loved Me_.

**[III]** This takes place following the _Operation: Neighbor Swap _episode.

**[IV]** For those who don't know, _Friday the 13th_ is a horror movie.

**[V] **Inspiration from this came from _Seinfeld_.


	2. 11-20: Skilene Skits

**Author's Note: **Unlike the last chapter, these skits are, as the title says, purely Skilene. Most just imply Skilene, but there a few at the end in which Skipper and Marlene are an actual couple. Any title with a Roman numeral next to it has a skit note associated with it displayed at the end. I hope you enjoy these skits and I hope I succeed in making you laugh. Peace, out.

* * *

**11) **_Sweet Dreams_

* * *

On a quiet Saturday afternoon, Skipper had sent his men off for a snowcone reward since the past few days had been left problem-free. He decided to stay behind to use the vacated HQ to go through some classified files.

Flipping through file after file, he found himself going through a rhythm due to the lack of disturbances. His rhythm was interrupted when a voice from behind him gave him a start.

"Whatcha doin'?"

Skipper twitched in surprise and instinctively turned around on his heel, ready for combat. His stance softened when he saw that it was only Marlene standing in the doorway behind him.

"Marlene? What are you doing here?" he asked straightening himself.

It wasn't until now did he realize Marlene's appearance. Her hip was cocked and her arms were folded over her chest. One eyebrow was raised higher than the other and her smile was smooth and seductive.

"You here alone?" Marlene asked without answering Skipper's question.

Skipper found nervousness creeping into his chest and he swallowed.

"Yeah. Why … ?"

Marlene strided in and stopped when she was barely a couple of inches from Skipper.

"I just thought we could … talk?" she said taking on a deep, sexy tone to her voice. Skipper gulped.

"S-Sure," he stuttered, "what exactly did you want to talk about?" he asked trying to act like he didn't notice the way Marlene was acting.

Marlene reached out and ran one of her paws up Skipper's chest, bringing it to a rest on his shoulder.

"Us," she answered staring deep into Skipper's eyes, which widened at her answer.

"Us?" Skipper repeated. He cleared his throat slightly. "What about us, exactly?" he asked awkwardly.

Marlene guided her other paw to meet the other around Skipper's neck.

"You know, Skipper, I've always found you rather attractive."

Skipper laughed nervously and tried to respond, but all that came out was a jumble of half-words before Marlene put her finger on his beak and laughed slightly.

"And you're just plain _adorable_ when you're nervous," she said tracing her paw down the side of his beak before resting it on his shoulder once again. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything."

Marlene slowly pulled him closer and Skipper was too stunned and nervous to object. His beak met Marlene's lips and he was overwhelmed with surprise and electricity, stumbling back into the table. He heard his pile of files fall to the floor, but he found himself not caring as he and Marlene seemed to melt into each other.

A few seconds into the moment, Skipper could hear someone calling his name from a distance and he suddenly found himself jerking awake in his bunk with Kowalski at his side.

"Skipper! Wow, I don't know what you were dreaming about, but you seemed to really be enjoying it. I've been trying to wake you up for six whole minutes!"

* * *

**12) **_The Power of Charm _**[VI]**

* * *

On a quiet morning, Marlene busied herself in tuning her Spanish guitar. It was just about perfect when Julien strolled into her cave.

"Ah, hello, Ms. Otter! May I enter?" he asked entering without waiting for an answer.

"Um … Sure, Julien. Come right in," Marlene answered rolling her eyes and propping her guitar up against a nearby wall. "What are you doing here?"

"Is it a crime to want to visit a good neighbor?" Julien replied coming to a stop by her side.

"No, but I get worried when you do," Marlene said with a suspicious look on her face.

Julien laughed slightly.

"Oh, Marlene! You're poking fun at me! You got me, there!"

Marlene cocked an eyebrow and folded her arms over her chest.

"Julien, are you alright? You're acting strange."

Julien shook his head and leaned against the wall by Marlene.

"No, no, Marlene. I am just fine. Actually, I was just coming to be making sure you were alright."

"Me? I'm fine. Why?" Marlene asked.

"Oh, I was just wondering if it hurt when heaven fell upon you?" Julien asked with a smooth smile.

"Um … _Excuse_ me?" Marlene replied with her face twisting in confusion.

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put _you _and _me _together," Julien added.

"Julien, are you … _h__itting_ on me?" Marlene asked in astonishment.

"No, silly otter. I am simply wooing you with my charm," Julien answered pushing his crown back slightly.

Interrupting them, Skipper popped up through the sewer drain.

"Hey, Marlene! Rico and I found some—" he stopped short when he noticed Julien's presence. "What are you doing here, Ringtail?"

"Apparently, he's 'wooing me with his charm.' But, quite frankly, he's just annoying me with it," Marlene answered.

"Annoying?! How could a handsome and brave king, such as me, be annoying?" Julien asked folding his arms over his chest in frustration.

Skipper looked Julien up and down for a moment, then started laughing.

"Are you serious? _You're_ flirting with Marlene?" Upon saying his thoughts aloud, he started laughing even harder.

"I am failing to see the humor in this!" Julien exclaimed angrily throwing his paws up, then bringing them to his hips.

Skipper—unable to stop laughing—pulled himself up into Marlene's habitat and stumbled over his own feet as he tried to regain his composure. His guffaw became contagious as Marlene found herself unable to keep from cracking a smile.

"I am demanding that you all stop laughing this instant!" Julien commanded. But Skipper and Marlene were now both laughing uncontrollably, resulting in Julien leaving in an angry huff. "I will not stand here and be made fun of by a couple of commoners!" he said on his way out.

After a few more moments of trying to catch their breath, Skipper and Marlene's laughing softened into small convulsions.

"Whew … I'm sorry, Marlene. I just couldn't help myself," Skipper said once he'd caught his breath.

"Heh, it's alright, Skipper," Marlene replied. Her face fell upon a thought entering her mind. "Wait, what were you laughing about, anyway? Is it really that funny that someone would—want me?" she asked.

Skipper's smile faded and he strode over to Marlene.

"Marlene, that is most certainly _not_ why I was laughing. I was laughing because it was preposterous to think he'd have a shot with you. You deserve _much_ better than anything he could offer you in a relationship."

Marlene smiled bashfully. "You really think so?"

"No, I don't think so. I _know_ so, Marlene," Skipper said returning a reassuring smile.

A short-lived silence followed and Skipper was the first to break it.

"So, what exactly did Ringtail say, anyway?"

Marlene laughed and scratched the back of her neck.

"Well, first he asked if it hurt when heaven fell on me."

Skipper suppressed a laugh.

"I think he meant, '_Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?'_" he told her.

Marlene laughed.

"Yeah, I know," she said shaking her head.

Skipper thought for a moment, then smiled coolly.

"So, did it?"

* * *

**13) **_Denial _**[VII]**

* * *

"So, Kowalski, is there anything new?" Skipper asked entering his lab.

"Actually, yes. I've intercepted some transfer papers. We're going to have a new resident in the zoo," Kowalski answered picking up the transfer papers.

"Really? What species?" Skipper inquired.

"It appears that a new male otter will be joining us," Kowalski told him.

Skipper's face lifted in surprise.

"_Male_ otter?" he repeated.

"Um … Affirmative. Why?" Kowalski asked, perplexed by Skipper's tone.

Skipper crossed his flippers over his chest.

"Well, why does the zoo need a _male_ otter? What? Marlene isn't good enough for them?"

"Sir?" Kowalski urged, trying to understand Skipper's sudden outburst.

"What? Can I not have an opinion? Marlene is perfect all on her own. She doesn't need a _male _around to steal her spotlight. Let me see that transcript!" he ordered snatching the papers from Kowalski and looking over them.

Kowalski laughed slightly.

"Skipper, if I didn't know you any better, I'd say you were jealous."

Skipper darted a look at him over the transcripts.

"Jealous? I'm not jealous! I'm just saying that Marlene attracts enough visitors to the zoo all by herself," he insisted.

Kowalski folded his flippers over his chest.

"So, you find Marlene attractive _and_ perfect, hm?" he asked with a teasing smile.

Skipper shook his head.

"No! I mean … Well, she does, doesn't she?!"

"That doesn't answer my question," Kowalski said with a wink. Though, the fact that he _didn't_ answer his question was an answer in itself.

"Focus on the problem at hand, Kowalski!" Skipper ordered, trying to change the subject.

Kowalski sighed.

"Fine," he said. Though, a moment later, he coughed out the word _jealous_.

"I am not jealous!" Skipper insisted slapping the papers down on the table.

"Denial!" Kowalski said in a sing-song tone.

"I am not in denial!" Skipper told him jabbing a flipper in his direction.

"So, you deny that you're in denial?" Kowalski asked, unable to contain his laughter any longer.

"Yes! I mean—No! I mean—Kowalski!" Skipper stuttered in frustration.

"What is going on in here?!" Private asked entering the room.

"Skipper's jeal—!" Skipper slapped Kowalski before he could finish.

"Nothing, soldier. Right, Kowalski?" Skipper said giving him a hard stare.

Kowalski held back another laugh.

"Yes, Private. Absolutely nothing. And apparently, it's going to stay that way unless your _leader_ man's up."

Skipper narrowed his eyes at him. Private eyed both of them curiously, then turned around with a roll of his eyes.

"I'll never understand grown-ups."

* * *

**14) **_What the Future Holds _**[VIII]**

* * *

"Eureka! Skipper! I have finally perfected my time machine!" Kowalski said entering the room with a small device.

"Fantastic. Are you sure it's safe?" Skipper replied.

"Absolutely. I just tested it myself," Kowalski told him.

"Oh, really? Then where did you go?" Skipper asked.

"Einstein's first steps were truly a beautiful thing … " Kowalski said in recollection. Skipper rolled his eyes.

"Alright. So, where do we go, now?" Private asked.

"I thought we could sneak a peek at the future. What do you say?" Kowalski offered. The others exchanged a glance and shrugged.

"Sure. Let's go see what the future holds," Skipper said.

After setting the time machine for June 30th, 2030—exactly seventeen years from that very day, they huddled together and Kowalski pressed a button. After a blinding flash of light, they stood alone in an empty HQ.

Skipper looked around.

"Did it work?" he asked.

"I don't know. Let's go see what's going on in the zoo. Just make sure our future selves don't see us," Kowalski warned.

"You could've mentioned that _before _we came here in the _HQ_," Skipper pointed out. Kowalski shrugged.

"Sorry, got excited," he admitted. Skipper rolled his eyes.

"Never mind. Move out," he ordered.

When the team left the future HQ, the habitats were empty. Figuring that there was probably a zoo meeting taking place, they headed to the Zoovenir Shop. Sure enough, the animals were all gathered there. But when they peered over the windowsill, they quickly realized that it wasn't a meeting. It was a _wedding_.

"What the deuce?" Skipper inquired under his breath. They looked past the zoosters and saw the future Marlene and Skipper at the makeshift altar, giving their vows.

"_Marlene, I have loved you from the first day I met you. You're everything I could ever want in life. Let this ring be a symbol of my promise to love and cherish you until my last breath and forever longer,"_ the future Skipper said as he slipped a ring over the future Marlene's finger, whose eyes were welling with tears of joy.

Skipper's eyes widened and he couldn't bring himself to look at his team, despite the fact that he could feel them staring at him. After watching for a moment longer, he fainted to the ground with a _thump_. The team silently gasped as the attention of the zoosters turned to the sound made outside and hopped down from the windowsill. Kowalski quickly took them back to their time period before they were caught.

"Skipper!"

Skipper snapped back into attention.

"Huh?"

"Are you ready to try out my time machine?" Kowalski asked again.

"Um … Sure, Kowalski. But let's go _back_ in time, alright?" Skipper replied.

Kowalski became confused.

"But you just said that you wanted to see what the future held, though."

Skipper smiled.

"I think I'd rather be surprised."

* * *

**15) **_Girl Talk _**[IX]**

* * *

While out on some recon duty, Skipper was passing Marlene's habitat when he heard voices inside that he recognized as Becky and Stacy's.

" … _about Skipper?"_ he heard Becky's voice say. He knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but he couldn't help himself upon hearing his name.

"_What about him?"_ said Marlene's voice.

"_C'mon, Marlene! You can't tell us that you don't notice the way he looks at you. He's _totally _into you,"_ Stacy's voice replied. Skipper felt the heat rush into his cheeks. Had he really been _that _obvious?

"_Guys, come on. Skipper's a nice guy, but I seriously doubt he has any kind of romantic feelings for me,"_ Marlene's voice replied.

"_Well, do you have feelings for him?"_ Becky asked.

There was a short silence that followed and Skipper's heart started to race with anticipation. He leaned a little further into her habitat to see if he could hear anything when he lost his balance and fell into the entrance with a _thwack_.

"_What was that?!"_ he heard Becky's voice say, along with growing footsteps. A moment later, Marlene, Becky, and Stacy emerged from Marlene's cave, looking for the source of the sound.

"Hm. I could've sworn I heard something," Marlene said when they found her empty habitat.

"Me, too," Stacy concurred. "I suppose it was a bird or something," she suggested.

"Probably. Let's go back inside," Marlene said as she turned back.

Luckily, Skipper had made it outside Marlene's habitat before anyone had seen him. He leaned back against the habitat's wall and let out a relieved sigh. Then he took a deep breath.

_I guess I'll just have to find out when the time's right,_ he thought with a smile.

* * *

**16) **_Intruder Alert _**[X]**

* * *

Skipper had had a long day with returning home from another successful solo mission and arrived at the zoo in the dead of night. Stealthily making his way through the zoo, he hopped atop his habitat's boundaries when he noticed that a faint light was emanating from Marlene's habitat. Curious about why Marlene would be up so late at night, he jumped down from the wall and crossed over into her habitat.

Being as quiet as he could manage, he moved slowly into her cave in attempt not to disturb her. He was almost inside when the room suddenly went dark and he felt someone grab his flipper and pull him to the ground before he even had time to think.

"Who are you?! Why are you in my habitat?!" he heard Marlene's voice say just inches from his face in the darkness.

"Marlene! It's me, Skipper!" Skipper protested. The next thing he knew, a light switched on to reveal Marlene above him, pinning him to the floor. Her expression was a mix of shock and confusion.

"Skipper?" she said surveying him for a few seconds. After assuring herself that she wasn't dreaming, she wrapped her arms around his neck from atop him. "Skipper, I'm so sorry! Are you alright?!"

Skipper chuckled and wrapped his flippers around Marlene.

"I'm fine, Marlene. You want to tell me why you're up so late? And why you ninja'd me to the ground?"

Marlene pulled away and got to her feet.

"Well, I couldn't sleep," she said helping Skipper up. "I was just in here thinking when I heard something outside. I really am sorry about that," she said scratching her neck.

Skipper waved a flipper in dismissal.

"Don't worry about it, Marlene. I'm actually pretty impressed. At least I know you can take care of yourself. I have to admit, I was _completely _caught off guard. And you know how hard it is to catch _me_ off guard," he told her with a grin of pride.

"I learned from the best, Skipper," Marlene told him with a smile.

Skipper chuckled.

"That you did. However … " he snatched Marlene's paw and pinned her by the shoulders to the nearest wall, catching her by surprise. "There's still much more to learn," he finished with a grin.

Marlene's expression softened.

"Then I guess you'll have to teach me," she said with a smile.

Skipper released his grip on Marlene's shoulders and gave a salute.

"Count on it."

* * *

**17) **_A New Side_

* * *

"Hey, guys," Marlene called as she dropped down into the penguins' hatch. "Have I ever told you guys that I think of you as family?"

"What can we do for you, Marlene?" Skipper asked giving her a sideways glance.

Marlene scoffed innocently.

"Pft! What makes you think I want something?"

Skipper crossed his flippers and gave her a look. Marlene sighed.

"Fine. Look, you guys know that it's April Fools Day, right?" she asked.

"That we do. Why?" Skipper replied.

"Well, I've noticed that Julien already pulled a few pranks on the other zoo animals today and I really don't like his sense of humor. Would it be okay if I stayed here until he gets it out of his system?" she asked.

"I don't see why not. And I don't blame you; the royal pain doesn't know the meaning of the word 'no.' Then again, he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words," Skipper replied taking a couple of steps closer to Marlene. "Such as 'personal space,' 'mind your own business,' 'go away' … I think you get my point," he said with a grin.

Marlene laughed.

"Can't disagree on that one," she said as she closed the distance between them.

"Though, I'm not sure what we'll—"

Interrupting Skipper's spoken thoughts, Julien fell through the hatch and landed at their feet, grabbing both of their ankles.

"Ringtail! What are you—?!"

When Julien got to his feet with a laugh, Skipper realized what he had done. He'd handcuffed his and Marlene's ankles together.

"Oh! Oh, I so got you two! You should see the looks on your faces!" he said as he leaned against the wall holding his stomach, laughing so hard that tears started welling up in his eyes.

"Ringtail! Undo these cuffs! Now!" Skipper ordered.

"Oh, sure. When April Fools is over!" Julien replied before scrambling up and out of the hatch. Skipper started after him without thinking and tripped over the bracelet that connected him to Marlene and fell to the floor, unintentionally pulling Marlene with him and landing her on top of him. Even with her face millimeters from his, he kept his cool.

"Sorry, Marlene," he said with a sigh. He pushed her up by the shoulders and helped her to her feet as he got to his.

"It's alright. So much for avoiding Julien," Marlene replied looking down at the cuffs around their ankles.

Skipper followed her gaze and shook his foot a bit, watching the chain clink between their feet.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm ripe for revenge," Marlene said with a sly smile. Skipper rose his gaze to meet hers.

"Really? I didn't think you were for that kind of thing," Skipper inquired.

Marlene laughed slightly.

"Let's just say that Julien's got me in a … _p__ranking_ mood," she replied, her expression unchanged.

The corners of Skipper's beak slowly rose as a smile stretched across his face.

"You mean a _payback_ mood?"

"A little bit of both," Marlene replied.

"Well, I must admit, this is a side of you I've never seen before. I like it," Skipper said as he rubbed his flippers together deviously.

"Actually, Skipper, there's a lot of things you don't know about me, yet," Marlene told him.

Skipper smiled curiously.

"Yet?"

"Shall we?" Marlene said gesturing to the door with intentions of plotting their revenge against Julien.

Skipper grinned.

"We shall."

* * *

**18) **_Complicated _**[XI]**

* * *

"No, Marlene, I just can't chance it."

"Please, Skipper? I'm ready for this. You've been training me for nine years. Can't you just trust me?" Marlene begged.

Skipper rolled himself out from under the car and got to his feet, setting down his wrench on the nearby barrel. He then gently took Marlene by the shoulders.

"Marlene, I love you. You know I do. And I care about you too much to let anything happen to you," he said.

"Excuse me," Kowalski said as he reached past Skipper for the wrench he'd laid down.

Marlene became defensive and crossed her arms.

"So, you don't think I'm ready?"

Skipper sighed.

"No, it's not that I don't think you're ready, it's just that … " His voice trailed off.

"Just that what, Skipper? Is it because I'm a girl and you don't think I can handle it?" she inquired.

"Marlene, please don't put words in my beak. It's not because you're a girl. If I thought that, I would've never trained you in the first place," Skipper insisted dropping his flippers to his sides.

"Then it's because I'm your _wife_?" Marlene said.

"_No_! It has _nothing _to do with our relationship!" Skipper asserted.

"Then why won't you let me go?! I'm ready for this, Skipper! Let me prove that to you!" Marlene persisted.

"Marlene, I just don't feel comfortable with you going on this mission! I admit, you've been more than help on the missions we've been on together. But this one is so much bigger than any of those combined! There are lives at stake, Marlene! I don't want _your_ life to be one of them!" Skipper shot back.

"Skipper! I'll be _fine_! You've seen what I can do!" Marlene reasoned. She took a couple of steps forward, put a paw on his chest, and jutted out her lower lip. "Plus, I had a really good teacher."

Skipper's brows raised slightly and he shook his head.

"Oh, no," he said taking her wrist and lifting her paw off of his chest. "Getting cute with me isn't going to change my mind. I know you're good, Marlene. I wouldn't have let you come on _any_ mission if I'd thought any less. It's just that the boys and I have been in this line of work far longer than you have. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"Skipper's right, Marlene," Kowalski said as he passed them carrying a can of oil. "I think you should leave this one to us."

_I don't believe I asked for _your _opinion,_ said Marlene's eyes and threatening posture. Kowalski gulped slightly and awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Sorry … " he said quietly as he turned back to continue working on the car.

Marlene turned back to Skipper.

"Skipper, you know I can't let you go without me. I'm going with you," she insisted.

"_No_, you're _not_," Skipper shot back.

Marlene grunted in frustration.

"Skipper, I love you, but why do you always have to be so stubborn?!"

"You knew I was stubborn when you married me!" Skipper protested.

"I _know_ that, but I'm your wife! Can't you cut me a little slack?" she pleaded.

"Marlene, I told you this from the beginning; when it comes to missions, you're a member of this unit. And in anything _else_, you're my wife. That way, no one is subject to favoritism. And as your commanding officer, I deny your request to join in on this mission!" Skipper ordered.

The team—who had been preparing the car for the mission during Skipper and Marlene's disagreement—stopped abruptly and turned to Skipper with their brows raised in shock. Their eyes flitted to Marlene, worried about her reaction.

"You _deny _my _request_?" Marlene repeated slowly and firmly. "I'll have you know that this is _far_ from a _request_. Skipper, I am going on that mission with or without your permission," she said with an affirmative stare.

"This is insubordination, Marlene. You've worked yourself up to Private First Class. I'd hate to have to demote my own wife, but I'll do it," Skipper threatened.

"_Demote_? Skipper, now you're going too far. I've worked hard for this position and I am _not_ going to let you take me back down," Marlene said firmly.

"Good. Then we're on the same page. You stay here while the boys and I go complete the mission," Skipper said with clarity. Marlene grunted in frustration and grabbed his shoulders.

"You are impossible!" she said putting emphasis on the syllables by shaking him slightly. Skipper grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close.

"But you still love me, right?" he asked with a grin.

Marlene sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I still love you. You know that."

"I know. I just like to hear you say it," Skipper said before pulling her into a kiss. Back at the car, the team exchanged a glance.

"Are they still fighting?" Private whispered to Kowalski.

Kowalski watched them for a moment longer, then shrugged.

"It's complicated. Love always is."

* * *

**19) **_Alone At Last?_

* * *

"Marlene?" Skipper called as he entered Marlene's cave.

"Yeah, I'm here, Skipper. Did you give the team something to do to keep them busy?" Marlene asked as Skipper moved deeper into her room.

"Yep. They don't even know I'm here," Skipper answered. He moved forward and took her by the waist. "Now, we can _finally_ be alone."

Marlene smiled and rested her paws on his shoulders.

"Yeah. Alone."

Skipper touched his forehead to hers.

"I really am sorry about last time, by the way. I wasn't expecting Alice to feed us that early in the afternoon."

Marlene laughed slightly.

"Skipper, it's fine. I don't blame you for that. Besides, it's not like you were upset with me when I had to cancel our date when I got food poisoning," she told him.

"Of course I wouldn't be. If Alice would check the food before serving it, it wouldn't have happened in the first place. Besides, we still had a pretty good time watching that movie instead, right?" Skipper said giving her a nudge.

"Even though I threw up in the middle of it?" Marlene inquired with an awkward smile.

"Well, at least you made it to the bathroom … the _first_ time," he said with a slight laugh. "No, I wasn't upset with you. I was just upset that we haven't had a real moment alone in … Geez, I can't even remember," Skipper explained. "First, it was Kowalski's invention gone haywire … "

"Then, it was the emergency mission … " Marlene added.

"Then, the Vesuvius Twins came to visit the zoo again … " Skipper continued, then he shook his head in dismissal. "But none of that matters. All that matters is here and now, just you and me, finally _alone_."

Marlene smiled and Skipper gradually started to close the distance between his beak and her lips…

"Hello, smelly, flightless water bird!" Julien said as he entered Marlene's cave, causing her and Skipper to pull away in surprise. "So, I saw you come in here and was just wondering if—"

"No," Skipper said, cutting him off.

"But you didn't even know what I was—"

"No! You know what?! I don't care about privacy anymore! This is _my_ time and I'm _not_ going to let _you_ ruin it!" Skipper snapped as he turned back to Marlene, grabbed her once again by the waist, and kissed her right in front of him. Julien's eyes widened as he stood where he was, unable to look away in the shock of Skipper's action.

After a few seconds, he got over the shock and the awkwardness of the situation crept in as Marlene wrapped her arms around Skipper's neck to deepen the kiss.

"Eh … You know what? I think I-I'll go, now. O-Oh! Do you hear that? I think Maurice is calling me! I sh-should go see about that. And … I'm shutting up now … " he said awkwardly as Skipper and Marlene carried on as if he wasn't even there. He turned and stumbled out of Marlene's cave without another word.

Skipper—after peeking off to the side to see if Julien was truly gone—finally pulled away with a sigh.

"Finally. I haven't been able to do that in a while," he said with grin.

"I'm surprised at you, Skipper. I didn't think you liked kissing me in front of anyone. Especially Julien," Marlene replied with a laugh. Skipper pushed a tuft of fur out of her eyes.

"Well, it got him to go away, didn't it? We're finally—and truly—alone," he said holding her closer.

Marlene smiled.

"Alone at last."

* * *

**20) **_One In the Same_

* * *

"I had a nice time tonight, Skipper," Marlene said as she and Skipper returned home flipper-in-paw through Central Park.

"I did, too," Skipper said with a smile. Without warning, Marlene gradually slowed her pace and she turned to Skipper.

"Skipper, can I ask something?" she requested. Skipper stopped and turned to face her.

"Of course you can, Marlene. What is it?" he granted.

"Well … I was just wondering … What is it that attracts you to me?" she asked bashfully.

Skipper smiled.

"I think a better question would be, 'What _doesn't_ attract you to me.' Which I can't answer, because there isn't one," he replied.

Marlene smiled sheepishly and looked down.

"Aw, Skipper, that's sweet. But, I meant more … _Why_ are you attracted to me?"

Skipper's brow lowered in confusion.

"I don't think I'm following," he told her.

"It's just … We're so different. I mean, we do have some things in common, but for the most part, we have two completely different personalities," Marlene explained.

"Well, I don't think that's such a big deal. We have feelings for each other and that's all that matters, right?" Skipper asked taking her paws into his flippers.

"Yeah … But … I just hear that relationships don't last as long unless you have a lot in common," Marlene said without meeting his eye.

Skipper's face fell slightly and he released one of her paws to lift her chin.

"Marlene, you're not having second thoughts about us, are you?" he asked.

"No, no, not at all. I want to be with you, Skipper. It's just that I'm just a little insecure, that's all—"

Marlene was interrupted by a sound coming from behind her and she and Skipper followed it with their eyes. Next to a tree that wasn't too far behind her, a hippie had made himself comfortable under it and was tapping along on his bongos. Marlene sighed in irritation.

"Here I am trying to have a serious conversation with you and a stupid _hippie_ has to interrupt us," she said, spitting out the word 'hippie' as if it were a disease.

Skipper eyed her curiously.

"_Stupid_ hippie?" he repeated.

"Yeah, I mean, can't these guys get a life? Someone needs to just make them get jobs," Marlene told him.

Skipper fought off a smile.

"So, you _dislike_ hippies?" he asked her.

"Totally. I just don't get the point. And they talk weird … " she said rolling her eyes. "_Man,_" she added, mocking the tone of a hippie. Skipper finally found himself unable to keep himself from grinning.

"What?" Marlene said in response to Skipper's expression. "What are you smiling about?"

Skipper wrapped his flipper around Marlene's shoulders and started for the zoo again.

"Marlene, I can assure you that we are one in the same."

* * *

**[VI]** This sort of came to me as I was watching _Otter Things Have Happened_ again. I could imagine Julien attempting to win Marlene over and/or try to inform her that she was his girlfriend before any of that happened.

**[VII]-[IX] **Thanks to 27Kowalski on fanpop for giving me the idea for these skits in the What would skipper say? (WWSS game) forum post, Page 39.

**[X]** Okay, maybe that one was a little more cute than funny. It was just an idea I had.

**[XI]** I started writing this skit and realized that I think I can actually do more with it. I might turn it into an actual story sometime.


	3. 21-30: Villain Skits

**Author's Note:** This is the third installment of my skits. First was the regular POM skits, then a set of Skilene skits, and now I present to my readers, Villain Skits. As the title says, these skits will showcase our favorite villains in some sort of funny antic, or at least that's my goal. Any skit with a Roman numeral in brackets next to it has a skit note associated with it at the end. I hope you enjoy them.

* * *

**21)** _Figure of Speech_ **[XII]**

* * *

"So, after we steal Skipper's memory and listen to his most personal thoughts and secrets—including the locations of his network of hidden tunnels—we'll start our attack," Blowhole explained as he and Hans walked through a corridor.

"And what do we do when we get to the penguins?" Hans asked.

"I'm going to set my Diaboligizer on them, which will turn them evil," Blowhole answered before throwing his head back with an evil dolphin cackle.

"All right, you told me your plan. That still doesn't explain what I'm doing here," Hans told him.

"You're going to be the one to lure Skipper here. I'm going to have a mysterious package sent to Shanghai that will rise Skipper's suspicions. He'll come here on a solo mission to check it out, in which I'll zap him with my Mind-Jacker," Blowhole explained.

"And I …?" Hans urged.

"Will be the one in the crate. You'll quarrel with him, backing him to the coastline, where I will be waiting," Blowhole answered.

"How do you know he'll be alone?" Hans asked.

"He will be," Blowhole assured him. He turned off into a room and Hans followed. In the middle of the room, a large crate sat, open and ready to contain Hans the puffin. Some lobsters working at controls on the far sides of the room.

"Is that supposed to be what I'm going to be waiting for Skipper in?" Hans asked pointing to the crate. Blowhole grinned.

"That's the one. Go ahead and get in. We're setting the plan in motion as we speak," Blowhole ordered.

Hans sighed and obeyed, getting inside the crate as a couple of lobsters secured it shut.

"I hope he comes soon so we can give him what's coming to him!" Hans' muffled voice said from inside. "Because otherwise, jumping through all of these hoops just isn't worth it!"

Blowhole's face fell flat and he turned to a lobster that was standing next to him.

"Did he seriously just say that?"

* * *

**22)** _Recruit_ **[XIII]**

* * *

As Dr. Blowhole examined his charts for his latest scheme, a lobster minion approached from behind.

"Dr. Blowhole, we found someone. Should I send her in?" he asked.

Blowhole turned.

"Excellent, Red One. Yes, send her in immediately," he ordered. The lobster nodded and left him. A few moments later he returned with a walrus pulling herself along by her large flippers. Blowhole cocked his brow.

"_This_ is who you recruited for me? There better be some kind of explanation for this," he warned with a hard glare.

The lobster shifted uncomfortably.

"Well, I—"

"Do you want me or not, Dr. Fish-Man?" the walrus interrupted impatiently. Blowhole's blood pressure rose.

"I am not a fish! I am a mammal!" he protested angrily. He turned to the lobster. "What made you think that we could use _her_ to our advantage?!"

"Who would suspect a walrus as a spy?" Red One said in his defense. Blowhole scoffed.

"Skipper would suspect anyone as a spy, but a rude walrus would be one of the first," Blowhole argued.

"Exactly! If he suspects her as a spy so quickly, he would never believe you'd be so obvious!" the lobster pointed out. Blowhole considered.

"Possibly, I suppose," he said under his breath. He looked the walrus up and down, who looked ten times more impatient than she did five minutes ago. "State your name."

"What's it to you, Blubber-Brain? Do I get the job or not?" the walrus snapped. Blowhole tensed and passed her on his segway.

"That is _it_! I can _not_ work with this!"

Red One followed him out.

"Dr. Blowhole! Wait!" he called.

"What?!" Blowhole snapped as he turned to face him.

"Think about this! I really think she'll be useful!" he told him.

"And what makes you think _that_?! She hasn't made much of a first impression!" Blowhole argued. "Where did you even find her?! Hoboken?!"

"Dr. Blowhole, she has hands-on—well, flippers-on—experience! She's got recommendations from some of the highest-ranking criminals on the other side of the nation! Apparently, her attitude actually makes her look _less_ conspicuous," the lobster explained. Blowhole breathed deeply and glanced back into the room.

"But she's so …"

Inside the room, the walrus stopped a lobster that was passing her.

"Hey, you! What kind of fish can't swim?" she asked. The lobster shrugged. "A dead one!" the walrus said before bursting out in obnoxious laughter. Blowhole grimaced.

"_That_," he finished.

"I know. But I think she's worth the trouble," the lobster reasoned. Blowhole sighed.

"Fine. As long as communication between us minimal," he gave in.

"Hey Fish-Face!" the walrus called. "Did you make a decision or what?! I mean, I know you can only use half your brain at a time, but come on!"

Blowhole tensely gripped the handles of his segway, tightened his jaw, and turned away, starting down the corridor.

"Correction: As long as communication between us is through _you_."

* * *

**23)** _Hired_ **[XIV]**

* * *

Alice—who had previously been sleeping at her desk, propping herself up by her hand—woke abruptly upon the phone ringing and she answered it.

_"Congratulations! You're our third caller! That means you've won a free weekend cruise!"_ said the man on the other end.

"Huh?! What?! A free weekend cruise?! Yeah! Okay! I can do that!" she replied excitedly. Alice rushed out of her office and started collecting her things, dialing a number on her cell phone and holding it between her ear and shoulder as she packed.

_"Hello?"_ answered a deep voice.

"Yes, I'm Zookeeper Alice at the Central Park Zoo. I received your application in the mail about you're looking for work and I have a temporary position for you while I'm on vacation if you're interested," Alice told him.

_"Really? Doing what?"_ asked the man.

"Just watching over the animals, keeping them fed. Especially watch over those penguins—they're a tricky bunch," Alice warned him.

_"Penguins?"_ the man repeated. You could hear the grimace in his voice. _"I would be more than happy to take over your position while you're on vacation,"_ he continued, his grimace replaced with what seemed to be a smile. Alice cocked an eyebrow, but shrugged indifferently at his tone.

"Great. I'll leave my number on my desk if you need to reach me," Alice told him, though she was going to "forget" to so she wouldn't be bothered. "How soon can you be here?"

_"I'll be there in an hour,"_ the man said. _"And I won't at all torment the penguins into regurgitating a flamethrower to catch them in the act,"_ he said under his breath, intending, but failing, for Alice not to hear him. Alice remained silent for a moment.

"Whatever, weird-o," she said before ending the call.

* * *

**24)** _Trial and Error … And Error … And Error ..._ **[XV]**

* * *

"Officer, it wasn't my fault! I didn't mean to hit your vehicle! It was those penguins! Please!" X pleaded as his head was pushed into the back of the police car.

"Yeah, and a pretty butterfly made John Wilkes Booth assassinate Abraham Lincoln," the officer replied. He and his partner cracked up and X grimaced.

"One day I'll show you! One day those penguins will be exposed!" X protested before the door was slammed in his face. The policemen were still laughing when they climbed into the driver and passenger seats.

"And a mockingbird made Brutus kill Julius Caesar," said one the one in the passenger seat. They both laughed harder.

"And a fluffy bunny made Bonnie and Clyde rob banks," said the officer in the driver seat as he fumbled to start the car as he laughed uncontrollably.

"All right! I get it! You can stop now!" X protested from the back seat. The policemen ceased laughing and looked back at him, then to each other, then started laughing harder than they had been, slapping their foreheads and burying their faces into the dashboard.

X simmered in the back seat with his expression twisted in unamusement. There just wasn't a soul on earth that believed him.

The officer in the passenger side seat regained his composure first.

"Whew!" he said wiping a tear. "Come on, Duthm. We need to get him to the station."

Duthm wiped his own tears and shifted the car in gear while the other officer made notes on X's offense.

"So, you said _penguins_ were the reason you crashed into our car, Mr. X?" the officer asked with a grin.

X didn't answer.

"Are you sure you just didn't imagine the penguins?" the officer questioned.

X still didn't answer.

"Upholding your right to remain silent. That's a shame. I could have used another good laugh," the officer said glancing back at X, whose face was warped with anger and agitation.

"This isn't fair," X finally said. "I'm not crazy! Those penguins are out to get me! And you so-called policemen are too stupid to realize it!" He said it before he realized what he was saying.

The officer in the passenger side seat turned around with wide eyes.

"Reckless driving _and_ insulting a police officer! You are not helping yourself here, dirtbag," he said making another note.

"No! That's not what I meant! What I mean is that you're just too blind to see the truth—I mean—"

"_More_ insults toward a police officer! You are in big trouble, _Mr._ X!" Duthm spat from the driver seat, turning around another block.

"What I'm trying to say is that no one even cares to listen to me! I'm not crazy!" X told them. They both scoffed.

"Sure. And I'm not a police officer," Duthm replied.

"Not a good one!" X blurted without thinking. "Wait—!"

"All right! You'd best shut your mouth right now!" Duthm warned.

X slumped back into the seat.

"I hate penguins."

* * *

**25)** _Good Kitty_

* * *

It was an early morning in Hoboken, New Jersey. Though, not especially quiet.

"No, that was in _my_ habitat! You're just a little thief! Now, give it back!" Rhonda snapped, trying to make a grab for the handful of fish Hans was holding.

"Nah-uh! Gracious threw these fish in my habitat! So there!" he shot back, holding the fish defensively.

"Her name's _Gladys_, you undergrown duck!" Rhonda snapped.

Clemson rolled his eyes as the argument continued between Rhonda and Hans in the neighboring habitat and he watched as Gladys make her way over to his habitat.

"Yes! Finally! I wonder what she brought me—fruit? Mosquito?" He wondered aloud, rubbing his hands together as Gladys stopped short of his habitat.

"And now for you, my little cutie!" she said as she popped open a can of _Purina _® cat food and dumped it out in front of him. "Enjoy! Oh, such an adorable kitty cat!" Gladys added before leaving him.

Clemson bewilderedly stared down at the pile of cat chow at his feet, then to his reflection in a nearby puddle.

"Are you kidding me?"

* * *

**26)** _Fast Friends_ **[XVI]**

* * *

Francis Alberta stared down at her smoothie and stirred the straw around in it. Her had her head propped up on her fist.

"Rough day?" the waiter said as he slid a small napkin in front of her and put a small bowl of cherries on top of it.

"You could say that," Francis replied irritably. She picked up a cherry by its stem and plucked the fruit off with her teeth. Finally, she glanced up and a wave of recognition smacked her in the face. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"

The waiter shifted uncomfortably before he felt the same way about the woman at the counter.

"I could say the same about you," he said.

"Well, I'm sort of well-known, so to speak. I … I have a record," she said without meeting his eye. "What about you? Where do I know you from?"

The waiter sighed.

"I go by X. I also have a record," the waiter admitted quietly.

"X?" Francis repeated looking down in concentration. "Oh, I know who you are. You're that guy with a thing for penguins."

X grimaced.

"Somethin' like that," he said before scrubbing angrily at the counter, though it was spotless already.

"Well, I don't think you're crazy. My life was going just fine until a quadrant of penguins came along," Francis said before taking a sip of her smoothie.

X stopped scrubbing abruptly and shot her a look.

"Really?" he said disbelievingly.

Francis nodded.

"Yeah. I mean, I can't blame you for hating penguins if I hate my share as well. Who knows, maybe we hate the same penguins," Francis replied. X smiled slightly.

"I guess that could be a possibility. What exactly did they do to you?" he asked her.

"Cost me my job," Francis muttered with a roll of her eyes. X's brow lowered curiously.

"Mine, too," he told her. "Actually, several of them," he corrected himself.

Francis cocked a brow.

"Hm. Must be their thing."

"Probably," X replied before returning to scrubbing the counter, though not as violently. When he glanced back at Francis, she had her eyes fixed on his biceps with a one-sided smile and he shifted his balance to his other foot.

"C-Can I get you anything else?" he asked nervously. Francis shifted her gaze to his eyes and smiled brightly.

"No," she answered with a shake of her head. "I'll take my bill now."

X nodded and left to a cash register, then returned with her bill. After Francis pulled her balance from her wallet and signed the bill, she slid them across the counter.

"Thank you. Have a nice day," she said before turning to leave. X awkwardly cleared his throat and nodded.

"You, too," he replied picking the bill up from the counter. He noticed some writing under her signature.

_555-9418 Call me._

X's eyes widened and he glanced up. Francis was waiting at the door looking back at him and she winked before leaving.

X blinked twice before his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell unconscious.

* * *

**27)**_ Brainwashing Expert_ **[XVII]**

* * *

"Ha-ha! Buck Rockgut! You have fallen into my trap like the fool you are!" the Red Squirrel taunted as he watched Buck struggle against his restraints.

"Now what, Red? You gonna throw tomatoes at me or something? You call this a trap!" Buck taunted.

"Don't tempt me. And you're restricted, aren't you!" Red shot back.

"Yeah, yeah. Not for long, Red!" Buck assured him. Red laughed.

"I'd like to see you try. Now, onto my diabolical plan to rid of America's greatest penguin commandos!" he said triumphantly.

"And how do you plan to do that, Red?" Buck asked unconvincingly.

"I'm not. _You_ are," Red said smiling maleficently.

"Beg your pardon?" Buck replied with his brow lowering in confusion.

"Hypnosis!" Red answered. He threw his head back in victorious laughter. Buck joined in guffaw, causing Red to cease laughing in bewilderment.

"What?! What are you laughing about! You're supposed to be scared out of your itsy bitsy feathers!" Red asked angrily. Buck took a few deep breaths.

"Wow, hypnosis? This I gotta see," he replied relaxing back against the wall, hanging by the restraints.

"I will have you know that I am a hypnosis expert!" Red insisted. He turned to his side and added under his breath, "I saw it on the television."

Buck snickered.

"I'll show you! Wait here! I mean, not that you have a choice," Red said as he walked into the next room. He returned with a golden pocket watch.

"Now, we'll see who will be having the last laugh!"

Red held the watch in front of Rockgut's face and swung it from side to side.

"Eyes on the watch," he commanded. "You are now getting very sleepy. Your eyes are getting heavy and you feel very relaxed. Very relaxed …" Red started. His voice started to soften. "And when I count to three, you will be in a very—" Red yawned— "deep sleep. One …" Red's eyes slowly opened and closed. "Two …" He yawned. "Three."

Red's eyes fell closed and he toppled to the floor. Buck looked at him for a minute with his brow cocked.

"Did he just …?"

Buck burst out laughing uncontrollably.

"Hypnosis expert! That's one way to look at it!"

* * *

**28)** _Brains Vs. Befuddled_

* * *

The Blue Hen paced through the park, muttering irritably to herself as she thought over how she was going to go about getting revenge on those blasted penguins once and for all. Finally, she stopped by a tree to sit down.

She'd gone over several ideas through her head, but it was a lot harder to come up with a good scheme now that they had kicked her out of the zoo. When she lived in the zoo, it was easier to spy on them to know what to expect. She knew everything from before they kicked her out of the zoo and prior. It was impossible to know what kinds of things they had now.

"Hello?"

Blue turned at the sound of the voice and found herself staring at a squirrel.

"What do you want?"

"I was just wondering what you were doing at my tree," the squirrel replied in a slow monotone.

"Nothing for you to be concerned with, Fred," Blue replied. She'd seen the penguins encounter Fred before and knew _exactly_ what to expect in engaging a conversation with him.

"How do you know my name? Are you psychotic?" Fred asked stepping closer.

"It's _psychic_. And I guess I am, in a way," Blue replied smugly. "Now, leave me alone."

"How does one become psychotic?" Fred asked, ignoring Blue's request.

Blue sighed impatiently.

"I don't have time for this," she muttered.

"For what?" Fred inquired.

"_This_," Blue replied sternly, getting to her feet.

"You don't have time for standing? Then why don't you sit back down?" Fred asked curiously. Blue's expression went flat.

"You really are incompetent, aren't you," Blue stated rather than inquired. Fred smiled.

"Hey, that's what my Granny tells me! You really are psychotic!"

Blue looked Fred up and down with her eyes.

"Yes, Fred. I'm psychic. And I predict that you're going to go back into your tree in the next thirty seconds," she told him.

"Wow, I wasn't even thinking about going back to my tree, but I guess I'm supposed to since you predicted it," Fred replied.

"Make that ten seconds," Blue said impatiently.

"Oh, then I'd better get going," Fred said climbing back up into his tree.

"And you're also going to be absolutely silent when you get there!" Blue called up.

Fred climbed into the hole in the tree that he called home and poked his head out and nodded down at Blue before disappearing into the hole again. Blue smiled.

"Too easy."

* * *

**29)** _Tangled_

* * *

"Take that back, you little rat!"

"No! It's true and you know it, garden snake!"

Savio continued to chase Hans through the Hoboken Zoo as the other inhabitants watched the show with amusement.

"I told you a million times! I am _not_ a garden snake! I am a boa constrictor you overgrown parakeet!" Savio shot back slithering after him with great speed.

Hans took a sharp turn to the left and darted into the zoo's gift shop. Savio pursued.

Once inside, Hans pulled a plan off the top of his head and threw himself under a table, turning sharply around one of its legs as Savio chased him underneath. Hans then jumped up onto a clothing rack and threw himself over and under back to the other side, grabbing a tape measure that was draped over a hanger on his way down. Savio followed. Hans sprinted back for the table and threw himself around another leg and doubled back, looping the measuring tape around Savio's tail end and double-knotted it securely to his midsection. Savio could almost reach him, but no matter how hard he tried, his body was too tangled to stretch any further.

"Ha!" Hans taunted in triumph. Savio grunted in frustration.

"This isn't over! I'm going to get out of this, and when I do, you'll have hell to pay, _mi enemigo_!" he threatened.

"Ooh! I'm so scared!" Hans shot back, ignoring his intimidation. "Who's the fool, now?! Ha-ha!"

Hans turned with a laugh and tripped over Savio's midsection, tumbling into a rack full of yo-yo's. When he pulled himself to his feet, he was covered in string. He pushed and pulled them to the side, but that only made matters worse as the string tightened around him. When he was finally nothing but a tangled mess, he fell to his side, struggling. With an aggravated sigh, he stopped, knowing that it was no use. That's when he realized that Savio was snickering uncontrollably.

"Apparently, it's still you, _mi amigo_," he taunted.

* * *

**30)** _Clear and Concise_ **[XVIII]**

* * *

"All right, we all got the plan, now?" the Amarillo Kid asked Gomer and Bo, the gophers.

"Sure do, Kid," Gomer answered. "You go'n trick Private into thinkin' we threatenin' to steal yer shell and then we go'n trick all them penguins to come steal the Westchester Putter while Private helps you grab it."

"No, I'm goin' to trick Private into thinkin' yer goin' to steal my shell if we don't steal the Westchester Putter that I'm supposedly goin' to use to beat you two at a game. Then yer goin' to trick them other penguins to come here so we's can trap 'em by tellin' them that I tricked Private into helping me steal the Westchester Putter in the first place, and trick them into comin' to us so's we can trap 'em all so's they don' come after us," Kid explained.

"Right," Bo replied. "So, you go'n trick Private into stealin' the Putter and we go'n trick the penguins into chasin' after you and then we go'n trap 'em and make 'em watch you play golf with us."

"No," Gomer disagreed. "We're go'n trick the penguins into followin' Kid to the Putter so's they can steal it and give it to us!"

"Yer both wrong! Listen, _I'm_ trickin' Private into stealing the Putter with me 'cause he's goin' to think yer threatenin' to take my shell. _Then_ yer gonna trick the other penguins into thinkin' that I hornswoggled you two out of all yer belongin's and yer gonna lead them to me and Private. We're gonna trap 'em and steal the putter ourselves," Kid explained again.

"Right. You trick Private into stealing the Putter, then we trick the other penguins into comin' so we can take your shell and personal belongin's," Bo answered.

"What?! No! That's not what I said! Look, all you need to know is that you need to trick the penguins into comin' after Private by tellin' them that I hornswoggled you. When they get there, we'll trap the penguins and take off with the Putter. Is that clear, now?"

Bo and Gomer nodded.

"Oh, wait, so when do we take yer shell?" Bo asked.

"You _don't_! We just need Private to think y'are!" Kid answered angrily.

"Then we make the penguins think we stole the Putter so's they come after Private?" Gomer asked.

Kid gripped his head in and threw it back in frustration.

"No! That doesn't even make sense! Listen, just get the penguins to come after Private! All right?!"

"But I thought you were trickin' the penguins," Bo inquired scratching his head.

"We're _all_ trickin' the penguins!" Kid said through clenched teeth.

"And we're trickin' Private," Gomer said with an understanding nod.

"No, _I'm_ trickin' Private! _Yer_ trickin' the other penguins!" Kid said pointing angrily at them.

"So, yer trickin' Private, we're trickin' the other penguins, and Private's goin' to steal the Putter, and we're gonna trap the penguins?" Bo asked.

"_Yes_," Kid said with relief.

"_Then_ we take your belongin's?" Gomer added.

Kid took a deep breath of frustration and turned to the side, repeatedly banging his forehead into the wall.

Gomer and Bo exchanged a glance. Bo scratched his head and looked back to the Amarillo Kid.

"You all right, Mr. 'Marillo Kid?"

* * *

**[XII]** This takes place preceding _The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole_.

**[XIII]** This takes place preceding _Roomies_.

**[XIV]** This takes place during the beginning of _The Officer X Factor_.

**[XV]** This takes place following _A Kipper For Skipper_. For anyone who doesn't know, Abraham Lincoln was The United States of America's sixteenth president and was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth on April 14, 1865 at Ford's Theatre. Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor who was killed by his best friend, Brutus and company, by stabbing him several times in ancient Rome. And lastly, Bonnie and Clyde were two famous criminals during The United States' Great Depression in the early- to mid-1900s.

**[XVI]** I'm seriously worried about myself now. I have a feeling you are, too.

**[XVII]** This takes place preceding _Our Man In Grrfurjiclestan_.

**[XVIII]** This takes place preceding _Showdown On Fairway 18_.

**Extra Side Note:** I realize that it's really easy to do skits in relation to an episode. LOL


End file.
